Do I know what I want?

2009 wasn't good... 2010 follows the same...

Ever since I passed 30... everything seems to be going from bad to worst... But is it really going from bad to worst or it is my mind that tells me that? I think it is more of the latter... I do not know why but I just simply can't get any satisfaction from my work... Oh, is work again.. But in general, I wasn't happy...

I spend the bulk of my time at work... I need it to be something that gives me the inner fulfillment... But after changing so many jobs... ya, is really alot of jobs that I have changed... I am never happy... I have always wanted to find the reason... in fact, i think i know what is the reason but i just couldn't cystralized it in words... I am indeed a 2 minded person, like what the tarot cards says about me... On 1 mind, I hope to earn more money (who doesn't) but by me carrying on my current path, yes i can earn more money, but i wasn't happy... I do not like what I am doing, as simple as that... i have no more passion for training (or do I ever have the passion in the first place??).... as i always felt that training adults, everything becomes so fake and meaningless... everything seems to be for show only... cos people are pretentious... and I question the meaning behind what I have been doing...

On my 2nd mind, I wanted to do things that are meaningful... that can help others, or at least give me some sense of satisfaction... that will make me teared... and felt like a human again... that comes back to my 1st mind... which i seriously feel I am not human... more like a robot... doing similar things again and again... and becos of that, i got higher and higher pay... Ok, back to my 2nd mind, I have tot about doing kids related work or even counselling... many people discourage me, say is very mentally draining, need to have a lot of patience... But many a times, i seriously felt that people give their comments becos either they dun think i can make it, or they want to take it themselves... so are they geniunely giving me the advice that is suited for me???

I decided to pull down my shield and not deny anymore, I must admit that I can't take this type of cycle anymore... My mental is affected, sometimes I felt I am going crazy... the only release is for me to cry while i am on the bus, watching tv alone.... comparison, pressure from friends and family are areas that always affect me... But from now on, I dun want to think so much already... This life is mine...

There is this saying... from an article regarding mid life crisis... would you rather go for a job that u have passion abt, that earns u lesser yearly, but can last u longer in the job.... or a job that u have no passion, that earns u more yearly, but u can't last at all... I want to go for the former...