4th week in this company and all these while, I din know what I was doing... The boredom is killing me.... Every morning, I will check my mails and there is no mails... cos there is nothing for me to do... Everytime my boss wants to arrange a session to discuss things with me, she becomes busy again.... But as long she dun sit down with me, I will have no direction and I simply is a floating dead man... Gosh... I decided to end this..
Earlier today, I went to work as usual... Once again I dun have much things to do... I have finished 5 flow charts and wat is next for me??? It is everyday living without knowing what is next for me tomorrow.... My head starts to be so painful... partly due to the terrible weather these days... It spins and I started to see blackness in front of me. I think the boredom + weather is making me very sick... not physically, but mentally... no sense of meaning and direction...
So I have decided to stop this agony tomorrow.... And I shall start all over again... I know the journey is not going to be easy at all... But I want to feel alive again...
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Mind cleared
I am glad that I send him the message... he din reply at all... sometimes i wonder if he is ashamed and thats why he din reply or he simply bo chap and ignore and delete my msg... whatever is the reason, it is already not impt... it makes me think that this should be the end of the whole thing.... Perhaps all these while, it was only me (again) who have been taking it soooo hard... whereby he is only gulity for a while and shortly, he recovers and carry own with his sweet life with her.... I should put it down too.... After that message, I doubt he will invite me to his wedding... which I would be more please cos I dun want to end up rejecting it...
I was watching American Idol result show earlier... It was my 3rd time watching the ending and I still cry... terribly in fact... I always like to 抒发情绪 esp to cry my heart out by ceaseing every opportunity... by seeing Scott being voted out from the competition is the best way for me to 借剧情大哭一场... but that is not only it... I am even more confirmed what i really want in life... that is to go into the unfortunate group and help.... only this will help me feel emotional again... i have always been a rational person where the heads rules... but i want to make my heart rules and make it live again.... I seems to be like dead man walking... haven't found the purpose in life... only this can makes me realise how fortunate i already am... i wish i can 1 day... that 1 day to achieve no more grumbling, comparing and be truely contented with what i have and who i am....
I was watching American Idol result show earlier... It was my 3rd time watching the ending and I still cry... terribly in fact... I always like to 抒发情绪 esp to cry my heart out by ceaseing every opportunity... by seeing Scott being voted out from the competition is the best way for me to 借剧情大哭一场... but that is not only it... I am even more confirmed what i really want in life... that is to go into the unfortunate group and help.... only this will help me feel emotional again... i have always been a rational person where the heads rules... but i want to make my heart rules and make it live again.... I seems to be like dead man walking... haven't found the purpose in life... only this can makes me realise how fortunate i already am... i wish i can 1 day... that 1 day to achieve no more grumbling, comparing and be truely contented with what i have and who i am....
Worried
Today, Jamie, Wei and I went to pay Yanling a visit... 4 more days and it is her death anniversary... It is already the 4th year of visiting...
When we were there, Wei mentioned abt Peiling... saying that Peiling seems to be very much in touch with the Pri school gang, based on facebook photos... which somehow makes me link to think of the recent gathering they have and then it came YF's marriage... as they couldn't really rem the story, i told them how I feel... but Wei said i cannot blame him as I never show that I am interested in him... Come to think of it, I really din... but even if i din, why does he have to woo another girl at the same time? I can't accept that.... so is back to the same feeling... is it me who 表错情 all the while? Even after his apologies, I still couldn't accept and thinks is my fault.... my heart has closed up even more... Tears dropping now...
Then just before I decide to write this page, I send an sms to him... I dun know why i did that.... perhaps, i have been bottoming up for too long.... and i just wish to be alittle braver in facing my own feelings.... I send him my congrats.... but at the same time ask him not to send bday wishes to me anymore.... I know I am being very petty but I just want to be petty sometimes.... I really dun understand... why must i have such 'yuan' with these guys... before was Kelvin... who is already married and have kids.. but he still send sms to me when he is lonely... then is YF... who constantly reminds me of his presence at my bday year after year... They say they just want to be friends with me... but i just want to move on and forget them... I rather they leave me alone...
Peiyi did say that it will not do me any good by avoiding.... but i can never be natural in their face... i really dun want to pretend... so i rather lead my own life, without them... am i doing it wrong? I m starting to feel my head twirl again... plus my mentality on my work is never stable... oh no, why am i thinking so much.... I started to worry for my mental health... am i going crazy??? I better go sleep now....
When we were there, Wei mentioned abt Peiling... saying that Peiling seems to be very much in touch with the Pri school gang, based on facebook photos... which somehow makes me link to think of the recent gathering they have and then it came YF's marriage... as they couldn't really rem the story, i told them how I feel... but Wei said i cannot blame him as I never show that I am interested in him... Come to think of it, I really din... but even if i din, why does he have to woo another girl at the same time? I can't accept that.... so is back to the same feeling... is it me who 表错情 all the while? Even after his apologies, I still couldn't accept and thinks is my fault.... my heart has closed up even more... Tears dropping now...
Then just before I decide to write this page, I send an sms to him... I dun know why i did that.... perhaps, i have been bottoming up for too long.... and i just wish to be alittle braver in facing my own feelings.... I send him my congrats.... but at the same time ask him not to send bday wishes to me anymore.... I know I am being very petty but I just want to be petty sometimes.... I really dun understand... why must i have such 'yuan' with these guys... before was Kelvin... who is already married and have kids.. but he still send sms to me when he is lonely... then is YF... who constantly reminds me of his presence at my bday year after year... They say they just want to be friends with me... but i just want to move on and forget them... I rather they leave me alone...
Peiyi did say that it will not do me any good by avoiding.... but i can never be natural in their face... i really dun want to pretend... so i rather lead my own life, without them... am i doing it wrong? I m starting to feel my head twirl again... plus my mentality on my work is never stable... oh no, why am i thinking so much.... I started to worry for my mental health... am i going crazy??? I better go sleep now....
Monday, April 6, 2009
Game Plan
Yesterday, I was having a tremendous headache at the back of my head... It even hurts my ear... Even when I watch F1, I couldn't really concentrate... During the night while I was sleeping, I felt a pain in my ear... This morning, I decided to see the doctor and took an mc... She din diagnose it to be anything serious but mentioned that my neck was extremely stift... causing to feel all the pain...
It was only the 2nd week of work and I can feel the stress is building on me again... The problem with me is I simply think too much... imagining things.... I can sense that there is a strong force of expectation from my boss... I dun know why... Though my intiution is not always right, but it already forms an impression which makes me to think and dwell further... Perhaps deep inside, I never have so much faith and confidence in my own abilities and thinks that I can never uplift their expectations on me...
While chatting with the doctor, I intended to tell her about my plight... I guess I just need to have more support and 认同 in my thoughts.... I desperately need that... Is like I have become the character in 1 of the TVB show who doesn't know or dare to make a decision... I was quite 安慰 when she told me this "You got to be brave"... I felt an instant booster... Even though it is just a simple sentense, I felt I am not alone... Many people have been telling me I have to make my own decision... But I am starting to feel that ability of mine is slowing diminishing... which is very scary sometimes... Suddenly, I recalled the message that Andrew send yesterday... If I know what I want, I should go for it, and do it... I hope I can just be like that....
Now my game plan is, just like tennis, every player should have a game plan... To work in this job and see if I really enjoy or not... not using any imagination... but totally feeling it... and meanwhile, to constantly check out if Metta school is hiring... Since I have already written to them, there isn't much I can do now but to wait.... I think I can still do these 2 things... hopefully as days goes by, I will see some light as to where I really want to be....
It was only the 2nd week of work and I can feel the stress is building on me again... The problem with me is I simply think too much... imagining things.... I can sense that there is a strong force of expectation from my boss... I dun know why... Though my intiution is not always right, but it already forms an impression which makes me to think and dwell further... Perhaps deep inside, I never have so much faith and confidence in my own abilities and thinks that I can never uplift their expectations on me...
While chatting with the doctor, I intended to tell her about my plight... I guess I just need to have more support and 认同 in my thoughts.... I desperately need that... Is like I have become the character in 1 of the TVB show who doesn't know or dare to make a decision... I was quite 安慰 when she told me this "You got to be brave"... I felt an instant booster... Even though it is just a simple sentense, I felt I am not alone... Many people have been telling me I have to make my own decision... But I am starting to feel that ability of mine is slowing diminishing... which is very scary sometimes... Suddenly, I recalled the message that Andrew send yesterday... If I know what I want, I should go for it, and do it... I hope I can just be like that....
Now my game plan is, just like tennis, every player should have a game plan... To work in this job and see if I really enjoy or not... not using any imagination... but totally feeling it... and meanwhile, to constantly check out if Metta school is hiring... Since I have already written to them, there isn't much I can do now but to wait.... I think I can still do these 2 things... hopefully as days goes by, I will see some light as to where I really want to be....
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Waking Up
I realised I have been delaying writing my diary... I guess I am trying to settle down my tots before I hit here.. which I shouldn't have... I should just let all out..
Yesterday morning... I was awaken by 2 messages... 1 from my bro, asking me to help him check a tele # for his wedding photo shot... 1 from Peiyi... She told me a piece of news.. a news that I should have seen it coming... but just din feel the impact until i hear it... YF is getting married...
My mind started to spin... and I started to feel sad... Not that I still have any feelings what so ever for him... we din even started in the first place... A couple of years back, when I heard from the horse's mouth, admitting he is with her... I could still rem the picture in my head... It was in his car... I couldn't help it but my heart just sanked... I felt like all the signals, the messages that he had send me, was all me who interpret wrongly... even though later he did admit that is all his wrongdoings, but do i really deserves this? I just got this sense of betrayal... I just dun know why does it have to be me?
Ever since then, I have closed out my heart to anything he wanted to say... Like some people say, not giving any chance to him... but I really see no point in explaining... even if he explained, what help does it make?
But honestly, I really hates myself for taking it so hard, not being 大方 at all... but I just find it hard putting it down... The birthday wishes that he send me year after year are just like adding salt to the wound... a wound that is almost recovered after a year but again feels sore on my birthday... how cruel is that...
The most irony thing is I heard the couple is going to stay very near me in future... OMG... why does it have to have a sequel? I have tried so hard to get them out of my life, but it just keeps coming back...
I must be thinking too much lately... that makes me feel so down by such a news... If I am happily attached, will I still feel the same? Why are people happily getting married and I have to be so lonely?
Yesterday morning... I was awaken by 2 messages... 1 from my bro, asking me to help him check a tele # for his wedding photo shot... 1 from Peiyi... She told me a piece of news.. a news that I should have seen it coming... but just din feel the impact until i hear it... YF is getting married...
My mind started to spin... and I started to feel sad... Not that I still have any feelings what so ever for him... we din even started in the first place... A couple of years back, when I heard from the horse's mouth, admitting he is with her... I could still rem the picture in my head... It was in his car... I couldn't help it but my heart just sanked... I felt like all the signals, the messages that he had send me, was all me who interpret wrongly... even though later he did admit that is all his wrongdoings, but do i really deserves this? I just got this sense of betrayal... I just dun know why does it have to be me?
Ever since then, I have closed out my heart to anything he wanted to say... Like some people say, not giving any chance to him... but I really see no point in explaining... even if he explained, what help does it make?
But honestly, I really hates myself for taking it so hard, not being 大方 at all... but I just find it hard putting it down... The birthday wishes that he send me year after year are just like adding salt to the wound... a wound that is almost recovered after a year but again feels sore on my birthday... how cruel is that...
The most irony thing is I heard the couple is going to stay very near me in future... OMG... why does it have to have a sequel? I have tried so hard to get them out of my life, but it just keeps coming back...
I must be thinking too much lately... that makes me feel so down by such a news... If I am happily attached, will I still feel the same? Why are people happily getting married and I have to be so lonely?
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Improvement
4th day at work... Since yesterday, my feelings has lifted slightly... At least is much more of an improvement... Today, I had product training at another office... The whole feeling is rather different... more plesant I would say cos the atmosphere makes it so... we were shown theories but also practical... so it is much more interesting than just sitting down in the conference room listening and listening... Hmm... Bahamas..
Perhaps the reason why my feelings are lifted could be that I have a better and clearer picture of what the 'other side' can offer me... it somehow has made a decision for me... When I spoke to Tricia again, she suddenly highlight to me that I may be more suitable for Metta School instead of the Pre-School... Reason being, it has a pay scale that I can accept better... and there is a career path in the long run... at the same time, it is a school for special needs, not just the mainstream... The curiculum seems to be much suited for me such as arts, dance etc... However, I think the time is against me... I called the school to check if they are still recruiting for non-trained teachers but they have already employed a few non-trained teachers and currently, what they need are trained ones... I suppose this has indirectly help me to make a decision...
I will used the time to see how much I like or dislike about this job and whether there is a future.. Time will tell...
Perhaps the reason why my feelings are lifted could be that I have a better and clearer picture of what the 'other side' can offer me... it somehow has made a decision for me... When I spoke to Tricia again, she suddenly highlight to me that I may be more suitable for Metta School instead of the Pre-School... Reason being, it has a pay scale that I can accept better... and there is a career path in the long run... at the same time, it is a school for special needs, not just the mainstream... The curiculum seems to be much suited for me such as arts, dance etc... However, I think the time is against me... I called the school to check if they are still recruiting for non-trained teachers but they have already employed a few non-trained teachers and currently, what they need are trained ones... I suppose this has indirectly help me to make a decision...
I will used the time to see how much I like or dislike about this job and whether there is a future.. Time will tell...
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