Troubled

It is end of the year... 2009 hasn't been good... compared to the previous few years... My feelings have been swinging more and felt unsettled... Maybe as I aged, I tend to think even more... I am trying to get rid of this bad character... but i just find it hard... But I will, and I have to...

Today, something ridiculous happened to me in the office... it is a sequel to yesterday's episode... From no where, a 'ba po' came to accuse me of something I have not done... Why did I ask the staff to come when the system is down. They have wasted their time here... When on earth did I ask pple to come? Why can't they get their facts right before accusing others. Does it mean when they are loud, they are right? When I ask the ba po to check with the PIC, she exclaimed that I was not responsible?? After verifying with the PIC and her own staff, she dare not make noise as they are equally liable... The real cause is the PIC... He is such a Yes man... Infront of the ba po, he is so soft spoken... But today, when he came and asked me to do something so unstructuredly, I ask him for alternative... He keeps finding excuses and storms away...

Do I look like someone who can be bullied? Or do they just want to find a chu qi tong? I can only blame myself to take up this role... No direction, messy project, lousy working style, then change in direction... I really dun think i am suitable to stay in this place anymore... Even though there is some light some where, but i do not know if the pull factor is there? Or should I believe everything happens for a reason????

Strange Thoughts

Is coming to the end of the year... It has been quite a while I have not come in... which is a good sign.. most of the time, i only came in when i am sad..

Many changes along the way.... but most of them are acceptable... But recently, just these 2 days, something strange happen... Really strange and barzar... i got to write it down... i got to know someone online... he appears to me to be someone full of love... looking for someone to shower his love... but after a while, just a few hours difference, he changed... he even accused things that i have never done... it really gives me a creepy feeling..

I decided to drop him a mail, wanting to know what is really wrong... but he started to call me names... really bad names... and curse me to the lowest, that I will be single forever, will meet an accident???? To think that he is a christian, isn't that against god??? I have never in my life, met someone like that... who is extremely mean in his words....

At first, i really thought he is having some emotionally down period... and give him chance to explain but he couldn't stop calling me names... and curse me... which makes me think he has a split personality... which creeps me further... so I decided to leave the conversation...

Some part of me really hate the whole thing that has happen... what have i done to deserve to be cursed?? i merely wanted to know someone more and all i got is a nightmare, it really is... i dont think i have done anything wrong in my entirely conversation with him... which makes me even more certain about him... he is extremely unstable emotionally, missed his family dearly, cannot have any rejections... But another part of me feels really sad for him... I think he is under a long journey of deprivation that makes him so emotionally unstable... too lonely perhaps?? but all i can say is his approach is totally wrong...

i always want to believe that all human are kind in nature... if they behave badly, it is all due to the experiences they have been thru, which is the sadest part of life as most of it are uncontrollable...

SMS Battle

It has been 1 month plus I have not come here... Which is actually a good sign, at least for me... Usually, I only come in when I am feeling down or something have gone wrong.. Here I am again..

This came a day late.. Have been wondering if I shd joint down my feelings... I decided to do so.. On Fri night, I had a quarrel with a fren… I don’t know if I shd be treating this as a quarrel becos we did not literally fight… but it came up as an sms battle…

Towards the end of our dinner, when we are almost abt to leave… she told me a piece of news that is hurting and affecting her very much.. She said that the long secret that she has been holding on to, was let out of the bag to her parents.. Initially, before she mentioned abt this, I still tot of asking her, have they know the truth?? Never did I expect that in her mind, all along she intent to bury the secret together with her, thinking that her parents will never know the truth and they will not be hurt… So I asked how did they know it? Her reply was a villain purposely told them… But being very skeptical, perhaps in my dictionary, there is nothing called a forever secret.. let alone when there is more than 1 person knowing the secret..

Anyway, that is not impt. The impt thing is I said something that I shouldn’t have said… I really regretted starting it... Basing on my principle above, I mentioned that if the situation would have fall on me, I will not handle in this way… I will probably tell my parents all the truth, as I am someone who doesn’t really know how to hide my feelings very well… I rather be naked right from the beginning… Of cos it will be extremely hurting, and stressed, and pressurized… than to face an uncertainty (just like a bomb) of not knowing if the secret will be let out 1 day… so I probably will choose to handle in that way… But I never commented that the way she handles the issue is wrong… I know that everyone has their own thinking and way of handling things… But sad to say, she took it pretty hard… She started to put her focus on my comment and questioned me tat dun I think by telling my parents (who are natural worrier) is being very selfish??? My reply was, I dun think it is a selfish act… I do not want to lie or hide, so I will choose to say but I will try to reassure them that things will be fine… I know that even if I dun say, I would not be able to behave naturally in front of them… and they will still ultimately know the truth… That is how I will try to handle… So she continues to say that she choose to suffer alone instead of making her parents worry… We just happened to have different opinions.. But neither right nor wrong..

So after we left the restaurant, she continued to say that it was due to 1 person that makes this situation unrepairable… Now her parents know the secret and they are very affected by it… She was very angry with the villain, and in her heart, she had already cut ties with him…. So I can only say that sometimes, things just happened beyond our control… The villain is free to choose his own action without having to care abt the others…

I sense that we had this little argument (which we usually will have cos of our character).. So in the toilet, I tried to salvage the atmosphere by saying "probably I am not in your shoe… I may be saying this is how I will be handling, but when things really happened, I may react or behave in a different way"… But she din really response, just nodding her head… So I know the atmosphere is not entirely cleared..

While we were both heading towards where we part, I asked if she is clear of wat she wants… She say she wasn’t… and that is the problem… she is now in a dilemma, half hearted, not knowing what should be the best thing to do…. So she said she needs time…So I continue to ask if she had make cleared to her hubby of her stand and she say yes…

She continues to narrate how her hubby’s behavior was and she thinks he is not being responsible towards his own life… She is the down to earth person, but he is the idealistic one… If he has dreams, he should not just talk but must put real good actions/homework into it… I suddenly got this feeling that she actually views me in the same way too… I am equally idealistic and that is why she commented alot of wat she thinks of me (being idealistic, may dislike a job after a while and can never find the best job that I want) during my down time when I was pouring out to her… I may have think too much then... Anyway, continuing the story, so I asked if he ever tried to make changes or sacrifices… She replied that he will argued that he did… So I continue to ask a few more questions… but she started to say it is not easy to make me understand how their relationship was… Ya, I know I dun fully understand and that is why I asked… But she commented that a fren of hers will totally understand whenever they discussed abt the matter becos she knows him… At that point, I was thinking to myself, why does she have to make this comparison??? Does she just want me to agree with whatever she says instead of trying to understand the situation before commenting? Somehow, this very moment reminds me of a story between Sharon and myself..

Anyway, after we really part, I know we din end on a good note, so I decided to send her a message… This is where the real argument started… Sometimes I wonder, have I done too much or said too much that I shouldn’t have done?? Probably if she is reading this right now, she will definitely say yes… But to me, I just simply want to say I am sorry…I apologized to her for making her uncomfortable with my comments… I ended with asking her to consider things carefully… But I was taken aback by her 1st response… She said she find it amusing as she just want to share with me wat she was facing but turn out to be an argumentative situation of opinion clashes…and says that our focus in the first place is wrong (we shouldn’t be dwelling over whether to keep secret or to be frank) and she is feeling worse now… I know I am in the wrong to have started it.. so as a receiver of the message, I naturally got this feeling that she is blaming me, which I can understand, afterall I started my unwelcoming comments… So I immediately say I am terribly sorry once more and said it was all my fault… I asked if she could forgive and forget abt it… But her 2nd response though said is ok, but still emphasize that becos of my firm point of view, I was neglecting her feelings, but she wasn’t expecting me to fully understand... Again, if u are the receiver of this message, wat would u think?? I have said my apologies twice but all I have gotten back is “U have make me feel worse off and U have neglected my feelings”...

My reply to her saying that I sense her defensiveness over wat I have said and I did tried to back off by saying what I have said in the toilet… In the first place, I have never commented that how she handled the matter is wrong.. But I also want her to know that what she have been saying in the entire conversation wasn’t extremely fair to me too… By saying u won’t understand what I am going thru, is hard for u to know the in-depth feeling of wat has happened between them, is a selfish act for me to disclose the secret… I just can’t help but to think that is how she actually views me… Her 3rd response turns out to be quite explosive… She continues on to say that she can’t understand why am I so persistent in my view point and she sees no reason for that… I was thinking to myself, wat am I really persistent abt? Abt how I will be handling the secret? Or?? Wat is it?? If I was really persistent, that is also becos she question back my stand... She continue to say I shouldn’t be comparing her comments abt her hubby and my situation and asked why I link them up? Honestly, anyone would have compared becos she is talking to the 当事人 whose situation sounds so much similar to her hubby... She ended off concluding that she is a better off listener as the earlier part of the dinner was I sharing abt my job to her. She regretted bringing up her matters to me and is extremely disappointed… Again as the receiver of this message, what am I expected to feel?? It really seems to me that she had oso concluded tat I was not a good listener at all.. Then I ask her if she heard of 讲者无意, 听者有心? In order not to further strained our frenship, (if it has not been spolit), we should end it there… Again I apologize for wat have happened and say good nite to her..

I know when a person is down, no good words will come out… But all I want is try to let her know that 1) not all things will go according to how she wants it to be.. By making a pact with someone not to say it, doesn’t mean the secret will be kept forever, and that explains why I will choose to say it out right from the beginning.. (But I guess all she wants is to share and for me to listen and doesn’t need my teaching then) But it applies to her earlier topic of online shopping.. To me, just becos nothing happened before, doesn’t mean it won’t happen… All these are the reality of life… Apparently I failed terribly here as my approach is totally wrong…

2) I know I dun understand her situation fully and that is why I asked a lot of questions to assess… But after explaining for a while, her reply is always, U won’t understand, I can’t expect u to understand… Perhaps I really can’t understand becos I am not her... She ever commented that my life is boring (that is why I am always looking for new things) and peaceful without troubles and would never understand what she is has gone thru… Hmm, I am really not sure if that is a fair statement too… but I din want to challenge… Again I failed terribly to make her feel that I really care and wanted to help..

3) When she ended off with she is a better off listener, she regretted bringing up her matters to me and feel extremely disappointed, I was truly hurt… I din expect it to come from her… so does it mean that all these while, she never thinks I can listen to her stories and I always challenge her?? Perhaps my first comment really came at the wrong time, but I have already apologized twice for wat I have said… Perhaps I am expecting her to receive it with grace... Again, it boils to down to having wrong expectation.... I know she is facing a crisis right now… So I guess I am the wrong person she should be sharing it with..

Now, I started to think... Would I be willing wanting to share my things with her in future or subconsciously I would be pulling everything back?? I really don’t know… Perhaps the same will goes for her since she has such tot before…

But does it mean when a person is feeling really down, he/she would have all the rights to simply step on other people’s feeling too?? I know I have not handled this issue well but I oso dun think I deserve to receive such harsh replies from her... But it is all over now... Come to think of it, what an irony.. Earlier during the dinner, she was just asking why I have not been posting things in my blog.. and my reply was, I usually post unhappy things there as a pour out…

Sad for mum

These few weeks, I know mum is always troubled by Yi's wedding... But things just doesn't seem to be resolved... I understand wat sort of character mum is... She is a natural worrier... plus she doesn't really know alot of things... maybe becos she doesn't have much 见识.. but that doesn't mean she dun care... or i should say maybe she care or worried too much (inside her heart) and doesn't know how to express... my thailand incident is the best example...

I tot I shd check things out for her, regarding the things she doesn't know... after hearing from Irene and Eileen, I gathered that some of the things should be initiated by the groom side... but becos my mum doesn't know, she din ask on the day... now she told yi about it, he say he will check it out... honestly, i dun know if he will check... why i say that is because he dun even care abt the tradition... in his eyes, all he cares is what they ask, he will give... but we are just telling him that we shd take back some portion of the things brought over... he say he doesn't care if they return... then mum thinks that he doesn't want to oblige to her... then he say what they ask may not be correct and we only hear say and they may be wrong too... come on, we dun know, that is why we ask... u can say it is wrong, but we can say it is right... why does he prefer to listen to them and not us?

I know mum is sad... plus my dad dun even care... but i dun know how to help... I am feeling sad for my mum... feel so bad now...

Being Brave

4th week in this company and all these while, I din know what I was doing... The boredom is killing me.... Every morning, I will check my mails and there is no mails... cos there is nothing for me to do... Everytime my boss wants to arrange a session to discuss things with me, she becomes busy again.... But as long she dun sit down with me, I will have no direction and I simply is a floating dead man... Gosh... I decided to end this..

Earlier today, I went to work as usual... Once again I dun have much things to do... I have finished 5 flow charts and wat is next for me??? It is everyday living without knowing what is next for me tomorrow.... My head starts to be so painful... partly due to the terrible weather these days... It spins and I started to see blackness in front of me. I think the boredom + weather is making me very sick... not physically, but mentally... no sense of meaning and direction...

So I have decided to stop this agony tomorrow.... And I shall start all over again... I know the journey is not going to be easy at all... But I want to feel alive again...

Mind cleared

I am glad that I send him the message... he din reply at all... sometimes i wonder if he is ashamed and thats why he din reply or he simply bo chap and ignore and delete my msg... whatever is the reason, it is already not impt... it makes me think that this should be the end of the whole thing.... Perhaps all these while, it was only me (again) who have been taking it soooo hard... whereby he is only gulity for a while and shortly, he recovers and carry own with his sweet life with her.... I should put it down too.... After that message, I doubt he will invite me to his wedding... which I would be more please cos I dun want to end up rejecting it...

I was watching American Idol result show earlier... It was my 3rd time watching the ending and I still cry... terribly in fact... I always like to 抒发情绪 esp to cry my heart out by ceaseing every opportunity... by seeing Scott being voted out from the competition is the best way for me to 借剧情大哭一场... but that is not only it... I am even more confirmed what i really want in life... that is to go into the unfortunate group and help.... only this will help me feel emotional again... i have always been a rational person where the heads rules... but i want to make my heart rules and make it live again.... I seems to be like dead man walking... haven't found the purpose in life... only this can makes me realise how fortunate i already am... i wish i can 1 day... that 1 day to achieve no more grumbling, comparing and be truely contented with what i have and who i am....

Worried

Today, Jamie, Wei and I went to pay Yanling a visit... 4 more days and it is her death anniversary... It is already the 4th year of visiting...


When we were there, Wei mentioned abt Peiling... saying that Peiling seems to be very much in touch with the Pri school gang, based on facebook photos... which somehow makes me link to think of the recent gathering they have and then it came YF's marriage... as they couldn't really rem the story, i told them how I feel... but Wei said i cannot blame him as I never show that I am interested in him... Come to think of it, I really din... but even if i din, why does he have to woo another girl at the same time? I can't accept that.... so is back to the same feeling... is it me who 表错情 all the while? Even after his apologies, I still couldn't accept and thinks is my fault.... my heart has closed up even more... Tears dropping now...

Then just before I decide to write this page, I send an sms to him... I dun know why i did that.... perhaps, i have been bottoming up for too long.... and i just wish to be alittle braver in facing my own feelings.... I send him my congrats.... but at the same time ask him not to send bday wishes to me anymore.... I know I am being very petty but I just want to be petty sometimes.... I really dun understand... why must i have such 'yuan' with these guys... before was Kelvin... who is already married and have kids.. but he still send sms to me when he is lonely... then is YF... who constantly reminds me of his presence at my bday year after year... They say they just want to be friends with me... but i just want to move on and forget them... I rather they leave me alone...

Peiyi did say that it will not do me any good by avoiding.... but i can never be natural in their face... i really dun want to pretend... so i rather lead my own life, without them... am i doing it wrong? I m starting to feel my head twirl again... plus my mentality on my work is never stable... oh no, why am i thinking so much.... I started to worry for my mental health... am i going crazy??? I better go sleep now....

Game Plan

Yesterday, I was having a tremendous headache at the back of my head... It even hurts my ear... Even when I watch F1, I couldn't really concentrate... During the night while I was sleeping, I felt a pain in my ear... This morning, I decided to see the doctor and took an mc... She din diagnose it to be anything serious but mentioned that my neck was extremely stift... causing to feel all the pain...

It was only the 2nd week of work and I can feel the stress is building on me again... The problem with me is I simply think too much... imagining things.... I can sense that there is a strong force of expectation from my boss... I dun know why... Though my intiution is not always right, but it already forms an impression which makes me to think and dwell further... Perhaps deep inside, I never have so much faith and confidence in my own abilities and thinks that I can never uplift their expectations on me...

While chatting with the doctor, I intended to tell her about my plight... I guess I just need to have more support and 认同 in my thoughts.... I desperately need that... Is like I have become the character in 1 of the TVB show who doesn't know or dare to make a decision... I was quite 安慰 when she told me this "You got to be brave"... I felt an instant booster... Even though it is just a simple sentense, I felt I am not alone... Many people have been telling me I have to make my own decision... But I am starting to feel that ability of mine is slowing diminishing... which is very scary sometimes... Suddenly, I recalled the message that Andrew send yesterday... If I know what I want, I should go for it, and do it... I hope I can just be like that....

Now my game plan is, just like tennis, every player should have a game plan... To work in this job and see if I really enjoy or not... not using any imagination... but totally feeling it... and meanwhile, to constantly check out if Metta school is hiring... Since I have already written to them, there isn't much I can do now but to wait.... I think I can still do these 2 things... hopefully as days goes by, I will see some light as to where I really want to be....

Waking Up

I realised I have been delaying writing my diary... I guess I am trying to settle down my tots before I hit here.. which I shouldn't have... I should just let all out..

Yesterday morning... I was awaken by 2 messages... 1 from my bro, asking me to help him check a tele # for his wedding photo shot... 1 from Peiyi... She told me a piece of news.. a news that I should have seen it coming... but just din feel the impact until i hear it... YF is getting married...

My mind started to spin... and I started to feel sad... Not that I still have any feelings what so ever for him... we din even started in the first place... A couple of years back, when I heard from the horse's mouth, admitting he is with her... I could still rem the picture in my head... It was in his car... I couldn't help it but my heart just sanked... I felt like all the signals, the messages that he had send me, was all me who interpret wrongly... even though later he did admit that is all his wrongdoings, but do i really deserves this? I just got this sense of betrayal... I just dun know why does it have to be me?

Ever since then, I have closed out my heart to anything he wanted to say... Like some people say, not giving any chance to him... but I really see no point in explaining... even if he explained, what help does it make?

But honestly, I really hates myself for taking it so hard, not being 大方 at all... but I just find it hard putting it down... The birthday wishes that he send me year after year are just like adding salt to the wound... a wound that is almost recovered after a year but again feels sore on my birthday... how cruel is that...

The most irony thing is I heard the couple is going to stay very near me in future... OMG... why does it have to have a sequel? I have tried so hard to get them out of my life, but it just keeps coming back...

I must be thinking too much lately... that makes me feel so down by such a news... If I am happily attached, will I still feel the same? Why are people happily getting married and I have to be so lonely?

Improvement

4th day at work... Since yesterday, my feelings has lifted slightly... At least is much more of an improvement... Today, I had product training at another office... The whole feeling is rather different... more plesant I would say cos the atmosphere makes it so... we were shown theories but also practical... so it is much more interesting than just sitting down in the conference room listening and listening... Hmm... Bahamas..

Perhaps the reason why my feelings are lifted could be that I have a better and clearer picture of what the 'other side' can offer me... it somehow has made a decision for me... When I spoke to Tricia again, she suddenly highlight to me that I may be more suitable for Metta School instead of the Pre-School... Reason being, it has a pay scale that I can accept better... and there is a career path in the long run... at the same time, it is a school for special needs, not just the mainstream... The curiculum seems to be much suited for me such as arts, dance etc... However, I think the time is against me... I called the school to check if they are still recruiting for non-trained teachers but they have already employed a few non-trained teachers and currently, what they need are trained ones... I suppose this has indirectly help me to make a decision...

I will used the time to see how much I like or dislike about this job and whether there is a future.. Time will tell...

Lost

My 2nd day at the new work place... Lots and lots of feelings.... But most of them, are kinda undescribable...

First of all, the new environment is consider really cool... But too cool to be true, for me at least... Perhaps I am just not used to it... Finger print to access the doors, pantry area is like a Kitchen, the whole office is in glass doors.... Cool huh... BUT... I don't feel anything about it... Instead, I feel 格格不入.... I start to wonder, "Is there something wrong with me?" But feelings are no right or wrong.... When people see techy stuff or impressive setting, they will be delighted or impressed... But what I can feel is strange...

I always tell myself that beginning is always the hardest to go thru, I know it, I really do... However, I realise knowing it and managing the feeling behind it is totally different... This time round, I have this strong feeling telling me something is just not right... Be it the job scope, the 'atas' things that I have been seeing for these 2 days, everything...

Today, I was out for almost half a day to see the showrooms... u know where? Reflections condo... Wow.. the showroom is really impressive... I dun think I will ever go there cos obviously I dun have the $$ to own 1... can't even dream of it... Again, instead of having pleasant feelings, I got the opposite... I am just not into it... Later we were drove around Sentosa Cove and along the way, it passed by a familar place... interview... Not worth mentioning too much...

All these that I have seen just makes me feel that I am already very 幸福... But the strange thing is, is not that I own them, why am I feeling that? I have this 'reversed' feeling that is constantly going inside me.... I dun know how else to describe it beside reversed.... I guess I am just being 犯贱..

Now.... All I want is to be truthful to myself.... Putting everything aside... Ok, clear ur mind... Think carefully, do I really want to go into special needs teaching??? It is really something meaningful... But I am just scared that I will have the same feeling as how I am feeling now.... I really hate myself to think so much which resulted in dilemma always.... On top of that, I will have to accept a drastic pay cut... Talking about this, I got this irony feeling when I was in the car this afternoon.... The HR was saying that she was thinking of going to be a social worker but they only pay $2K... "How to survive? How to face friends?" That was along the same line that I am thinking... But should I really bother what others think? Or should I just be true to myself?

Actually, I already have an answer in my heart... I do not have to answer to anyone except for myself..

End of Long Holiday

So long I did not update my movements... In Jan and Feb 09, I was simply busy creating my own little website.. http://www.enchantedmomentos.com/

Some pictures of my products... Pls go to my website to view more.

Though the sales are not that fantastic, but am still proud to have start up a little online shop... all by myself..

Now is the 3rd month of the year... Lately I have watched 2 Jap movies... K20 and Suspect X... They are both very nice shows... Suspect X has this sad and 'couldn't help but to cry' ending... It makes me feel that everyone of us could make a difference in someone's else life, even how 渺小 we are...

My long holiday is about to end... As lately, I have secured myself with a new job... At this timing full of retrenchment, I should count myself really lucky... I hope I have made a right choice..