Disappointed

why am i here today... i guess i just want to download the unhappiness... to be honest, the unhappiness feeling wasnt exactly that strong... it is more like disappointment... but i guess if i think hard, i will start to cry.. why me?

abt 2 mths back, i met this guy... i gathered that he is quite interested in me cos he approached me asking for my no... but after our first meet up, which was after much arrangement.. he did not follow up.. infact, the funny thing is, he ask his fren along... actually deep inside, i do know that he is no longer that interested... cos if a guy is interested, he will be more proactive... but i still want to know him.. cos i felt is unfair to me... i wasnt really given an opp to know him becos our first date was a 3 legged date.. how strange is that..

today i wanted to confirm our coming date... but he postponed it again, either next mon or tue... then he txt me again saying next mon being vday, he got something on.. so prefer tue... of cos that to me means he is already attached... so i asked and he confirmed that... he said just not long ago... what does that mean? i am simply disappointed... i felt like i am sentensed to death without knowing the reason? love luck just doesnt want to fall on me... haiz..

as my usual self, i wanted to slowly leave the site... i dun feel like meeting but i dun know how to reject... so i said i presume he will be even busier, if he doesnt want to meet, i dun have to... but he say he is ok to meet... mygoodness... i dun know if i shd just da fang meet... i guess i will just meet for the last time...

Do I know what I want?

2009 wasn't good... 2010 follows the same...

Ever since I passed 30... everything seems to be going from bad to worst... But is it really going from bad to worst or it is my mind that tells me that? I think it is more of the latter... I do not know why but I just simply can't get any satisfaction from my work... Oh, is work again.. But in general, I wasn't happy...

I spend the bulk of my time at work... I need it to be something that gives me the inner fulfillment... But after changing so many jobs... ya, is really alot of jobs that I have changed... I am never happy... I have always wanted to find the reason... in fact, i think i know what is the reason but i just couldn't cystralized it in words... I am indeed a 2 minded person, like what the tarot cards says about me... On 1 mind, I hope to earn more money (who doesn't) but by me carrying on my current path, yes i can earn more money, but i wasn't happy... I do not like what I am doing, as simple as that... i have no more passion for training (or do I ever have the passion in the first place??).... as i always felt that training adults, everything becomes so fake and meaningless... everything seems to be for show only... cos people are pretentious... and I question the meaning behind what I have been doing...

On my 2nd mind, I wanted to do things that are meaningful... that can help others, or at least give me some sense of satisfaction... that will make me teared... and felt like a human again... that comes back to my 1st mind... which i seriously feel I am not human... more like a robot... doing similar things again and again... and becos of that, i got higher and higher pay... Ok, back to my 2nd mind, I have tot about doing kids related work or even counselling... many people discourage me, say is very mentally draining, need to have a lot of patience... But many a times, i seriously felt that people give their comments becos either they dun think i can make it, or they want to take it themselves... so are they geniunely giving me the advice that is suited for me???

I decided to pull down my shield and not deny anymore, I must admit that I can't take this type of cycle anymore... My mental is affected, sometimes I felt I am going crazy... the only release is for me to cry while i am on the bus, watching tv alone.... comparison, pressure from friends and family are areas that always affect me... But from now on, I dun want to think so much already... This life is mine...

There is this saying... from an article regarding mid life crisis... would you rather go for a job that u have passion abt, that earns u lesser yearly, but can last u longer in the job.... or a job that u have no passion, that earns u more yearly, but u can't last at all... I want to go for the former...

Troubled

It is end of the year... 2009 hasn't been good... compared to the previous few years... My feelings have been swinging more and felt unsettled... Maybe as I aged, I tend to think even more... I am trying to get rid of this bad character... but i just find it hard... But I will, and I have to...

Today, something ridiculous happened to me in the office... it is a sequel to yesterday's episode... From no where, a 'ba po' came to accuse me of something I have not done... Why did I ask the staff to come when the system is down. They have wasted their time here... When on earth did I ask pple to come? Why can't they get their facts right before accusing others. Does it mean when they are loud, they are right? When I ask the ba po to check with the PIC, she exclaimed that I was not responsible?? After verifying with the PIC and her own staff, she dare not make noise as they are equally liable... The real cause is the PIC... He is such a Yes man... Infront of the ba po, he is so soft spoken... But today, when he came and asked me to do something so unstructuredly, I ask him for alternative... He keeps finding excuses and storms away...

Do I look like someone who can be bullied? Or do they just want to find a chu qi tong? I can only blame myself to take up this role... No direction, messy project, lousy working style, then change in direction... I really dun think i am suitable to stay in this place anymore... Even though there is some light some where, but i do not know if the pull factor is there? Or should I believe everything happens for a reason????

Strange Thoughts

Is coming to the end of the year... It has been quite a while I have not come in... which is a good sign.. most of the time, i only came in when i am sad..

Many changes along the way.... but most of them are acceptable... But recently, just these 2 days, something strange happen... Really strange and barzar... i got to write it down... i got to know someone online... he appears to me to be someone full of love... looking for someone to shower his love... but after a while, just a few hours difference, he changed... he even accused things that i have never done... it really gives me a creepy feeling..

I decided to drop him a mail, wanting to know what is really wrong... but he started to call me names... really bad names... and curse me to the lowest, that I will be single forever, will meet an accident???? To think that he is a christian, isn't that against god??? I have never in my life, met someone like that... who is extremely mean in his words....

At first, i really thought he is having some emotionally down period... and give him chance to explain but he couldn't stop calling me names... and curse me... which makes me think he has a split personality... which creeps me further... so I decided to leave the conversation...

Some part of me really hate the whole thing that has happen... what have i done to deserve to be cursed?? i merely wanted to know someone more and all i got is a nightmare, it really is... i dont think i have done anything wrong in my entirely conversation with him... which makes me even more certain about him... he is extremely unstable emotionally, missed his family dearly, cannot have any rejections... But another part of me feels really sad for him... I think he is under a long journey of deprivation that makes him so emotionally unstable... too lonely perhaps?? but all i can say is his approach is totally wrong...

i always want to believe that all human are kind in nature... if they behave badly, it is all due to the experiences they have been thru, which is the sadest part of life as most of it are uncontrollable...

SMS Battle

It has been 1 month plus I have not come here... Which is actually a good sign, at least for me... Usually, I only come in when I am feeling down or something have gone wrong.. Here I am again..

This came a day late.. Have been wondering if I shd joint down my feelings... I decided to do so.. On Fri night, I had a quarrel with a fren… I don’t know if I shd be treating this as a quarrel becos we did not literally fight… but it came up as an sms battle…

Towards the end of our dinner, when we are almost abt to leave… she told me a piece of news that is hurting and affecting her very much.. She said that the long secret that she has been holding on to, was let out of the bag to her parents.. Initially, before she mentioned abt this, I still tot of asking her, have they know the truth?? Never did I expect that in her mind, all along she intent to bury the secret together with her, thinking that her parents will never know the truth and they will not be hurt… So I asked how did they know it? Her reply was a villain purposely told them… But being very skeptical, perhaps in my dictionary, there is nothing called a forever secret.. let alone when there is more than 1 person knowing the secret..

Anyway, that is not impt. The impt thing is I said something that I shouldn’t have said… I really regretted starting it... Basing on my principle above, I mentioned that if the situation would have fall on me, I will not handle in this way… I will probably tell my parents all the truth, as I am someone who doesn’t really know how to hide my feelings very well… I rather be naked right from the beginning… Of cos it will be extremely hurting, and stressed, and pressurized… than to face an uncertainty (just like a bomb) of not knowing if the secret will be let out 1 day… so I probably will choose to handle in that way… But I never commented that the way she handles the issue is wrong… I know that everyone has their own thinking and way of handling things… But sad to say, she took it pretty hard… She started to put her focus on my comment and questioned me tat dun I think by telling my parents (who are natural worrier) is being very selfish??? My reply was, I dun think it is a selfish act… I do not want to lie or hide, so I will choose to say but I will try to reassure them that things will be fine… I know that even if I dun say, I would not be able to behave naturally in front of them… and they will still ultimately know the truth… That is how I will try to handle… So she continues to say that she choose to suffer alone instead of making her parents worry… We just happened to have different opinions.. But neither right nor wrong..

So after we left the restaurant, she continued to say that it was due to 1 person that makes this situation unrepairable… Now her parents know the secret and they are very affected by it… She was very angry with the villain, and in her heart, she had already cut ties with him…. So I can only say that sometimes, things just happened beyond our control… The villain is free to choose his own action without having to care abt the others…

I sense that we had this little argument (which we usually will have cos of our character).. So in the toilet, I tried to salvage the atmosphere by saying "probably I am not in your shoe… I may be saying this is how I will be handling, but when things really happened, I may react or behave in a different way"… But she din really response, just nodding her head… So I know the atmosphere is not entirely cleared..

While we were both heading towards where we part, I asked if she is clear of wat she wants… She say she wasn’t… and that is the problem… she is now in a dilemma, half hearted, not knowing what should be the best thing to do…. So she said she needs time…So I continue to ask if she had make cleared to her hubby of her stand and she say yes…

She continues to narrate how her hubby’s behavior was and she thinks he is not being responsible towards his own life… She is the down to earth person, but he is the idealistic one… If he has dreams, he should not just talk but must put real good actions/homework into it… I suddenly got this feeling that she actually views me in the same way too… I am equally idealistic and that is why she commented alot of wat she thinks of me (being idealistic, may dislike a job after a while and can never find the best job that I want) during my down time when I was pouring out to her… I may have think too much then... Anyway, continuing the story, so I asked if he ever tried to make changes or sacrifices… She replied that he will argued that he did… So I continue to ask a few more questions… but she started to say it is not easy to make me understand how their relationship was… Ya, I know I dun fully understand and that is why I asked… But she commented that a fren of hers will totally understand whenever they discussed abt the matter becos she knows him… At that point, I was thinking to myself, why does she have to make this comparison??? Does she just want me to agree with whatever she says instead of trying to understand the situation before commenting? Somehow, this very moment reminds me of a story between Sharon and myself..

Anyway, after we really part, I know we din end on a good note, so I decided to send her a message… This is where the real argument started… Sometimes I wonder, have I done too much or said too much that I shouldn’t have done?? Probably if she is reading this right now, she will definitely say yes… But to me, I just simply want to say I am sorry…I apologized to her for making her uncomfortable with my comments… I ended with asking her to consider things carefully… But I was taken aback by her 1st response… She said she find it amusing as she just want to share with me wat she was facing but turn out to be an argumentative situation of opinion clashes…and says that our focus in the first place is wrong (we shouldn’t be dwelling over whether to keep secret or to be frank) and she is feeling worse now… I know I am in the wrong to have started it.. so as a receiver of the message, I naturally got this feeling that she is blaming me, which I can understand, afterall I started my unwelcoming comments… So I immediately say I am terribly sorry once more and said it was all my fault… I asked if she could forgive and forget abt it… But her 2nd response though said is ok, but still emphasize that becos of my firm point of view, I was neglecting her feelings, but she wasn’t expecting me to fully understand... Again, if u are the receiver of this message, wat would u think?? I have said my apologies twice but all I have gotten back is “U have make me feel worse off and U have neglected my feelings”...

My reply to her saying that I sense her defensiveness over wat I have said and I did tried to back off by saying what I have said in the toilet… In the first place, I have never commented that how she handled the matter is wrong.. But I also want her to know that what she have been saying in the entire conversation wasn’t extremely fair to me too… By saying u won’t understand what I am going thru, is hard for u to know the in-depth feeling of wat has happened between them, is a selfish act for me to disclose the secret… I just can’t help but to think that is how she actually views me… Her 3rd response turns out to be quite explosive… She continues on to say that she can’t understand why am I so persistent in my view point and she sees no reason for that… I was thinking to myself, wat am I really persistent abt? Abt how I will be handling the secret? Or?? Wat is it?? If I was really persistent, that is also becos she question back my stand... She continue to say I shouldn’t be comparing her comments abt her hubby and my situation and asked why I link them up? Honestly, anyone would have compared becos she is talking to the 当事人 whose situation sounds so much similar to her hubby... She ended off concluding that she is a better off listener as the earlier part of the dinner was I sharing abt my job to her. She regretted bringing up her matters to me and is extremely disappointed… Again as the receiver of this message, what am I expected to feel?? It really seems to me that she had oso concluded tat I was not a good listener at all.. Then I ask her if she heard of 讲者无意, 听者有心? In order not to further strained our frenship, (if it has not been spolit), we should end it there… Again I apologize for wat have happened and say good nite to her..

I know when a person is down, no good words will come out… But all I want is try to let her know that 1) not all things will go according to how she wants it to be.. By making a pact with someone not to say it, doesn’t mean the secret will be kept forever, and that explains why I will choose to say it out right from the beginning.. (But I guess all she wants is to share and for me to listen and doesn’t need my teaching then) But it applies to her earlier topic of online shopping.. To me, just becos nothing happened before, doesn’t mean it won’t happen… All these are the reality of life… Apparently I failed terribly here as my approach is totally wrong…

2) I know I dun understand her situation fully and that is why I asked a lot of questions to assess… But after explaining for a while, her reply is always, U won’t understand, I can’t expect u to understand… Perhaps I really can’t understand becos I am not her... She ever commented that my life is boring (that is why I am always looking for new things) and peaceful without troubles and would never understand what she is has gone thru… Hmm, I am really not sure if that is a fair statement too… but I din want to challenge… Again I failed terribly to make her feel that I really care and wanted to help..

3) When she ended off with she is a better off listener, she regretted bringing up her matters to me and feel extremely disappointed, I was truly hurt… I din expect it to come from her… so does it mean that all these while, she never thinks I can listen to her stories and I always challenge her?? Perhaps my first comment really came at the wrong time, but I have already apologized twice for wat I have said… Perhaps I am expecting her to receive it with grace... Again, it boils to down to having wrong expectation.... I know she is facing a crisis right now… So I guess I am the wrong person she should be sharing it with..

Now, I started to think... Would I be willing wanting to share my things with her in future or subconsciously I would be pulling everything back?? I really don’t know… Perhaps the same will goes for her since she has such tot before…

But does it mean when a person is feeling really down, he/she would have all the rights to simply step on other people’s feeling too?? I know I have not handled this issue well but I oso dun think I deserve to receive such harsh replies from her... But it is all over now... Come to think of it, what an irony.. Earlier during the dinner, she was just asking why I have not been posting things in my blog.. and my reply was, I usually post unhappy things there as a pour out…

Sad for mum

These few weeks, I know mum is always troubled by Yi's wedding... But things just doesn't seem to be resolved... I understand wat sort of character mum is... She is a natural worrier... plus she doesn't really know alot of things... maybe becos she doesn't have much 见识.. but that doesn't mean she dun care... or i should say maybe she care or worried too much (inside her heart) and doesn't know how to express... my thailand incident is the best example...

I tot I shd check things out for her, regarding the things she doesn't know... after hearing from Irene and Eileen, I gathered that some of the things should be initiated by the groom side... but becos my mum doesn't know, she din ask on the day... now she told yi about it, he say he will check it out... honestly, i dun know if he will check... why i say that is because he dun even care abt the tradition... in his eyes, all he cares is what they ask, he will give... but we are just telling him that we shd take back some portion of the things brought over... he say he doesn't care if they return... then mum thinks that he doesn't want to oblige to her... then he say what they ask may not be correct and we only hear say and they may be wrong too... come on, we dun know, that is why we ask... u can say it is wrong, but we can say it is right... why does he prefer to listen to them and not us?

I know mum is sad... plus my dad dun even care... but i dun know how to help... I am feeling sad for my mum... feel so bad now...

Being Brave

4th week in this company and all these while, I din know what I was doing... The boredom is killing me.... Every morning, I will check my mails and there is no mails... cos there is nothing for me to do... Everytime my boss wants to arrange a session to discuss things with me, she becomes busy again.... But as long she dun sit down with me, I will have no direction and I simply is a floating dead man... Gosh... I decided to end this..

Earlier today, I went to work as usual... Once again I dun have much things to do... I have finished 5 flow charts and wat is next for me??? It is everyday living without knowing what is next for me tomorrow.... My head starts to be so painful... partly due to the terrible weather these days... It spins and I started to see blackness in front of me. I think the boredom + weather is making me very sick... not physically, but mentally... no sense of meaning and direction...

So I have decided to stop this agony tomorrow.... And I shall start all over again... I know the journey is not going to be easy at all... But I want to feel alive again...